“Sally and Rhonda”

By: Ryan Franks

(Sally and Rhonda are old friends that go way back.  During the teaser, Sally has just arrived at Rhonda’s new house for the very first time.  Rhonda is following her closely and suspiciously as she eyes the living chamber.  Periodically, Rhonda approaches Sally from behind, as though she were trying to grab her hair.)

Sally:  Hello!

Rhonda:  Hi!

Sally: This looks wonderful.  It was less than a hundred thousand?

Rhonda:  Yes, yes, 77 thousand. 

Sally:  Wow, what a bargain.  19 rooms? 

Rhonda:  No, only seven.

Sally:  Right seven.  Don’t know why I said 19.

(They both laugh, then Sally notices Rhonda is following her; Rhonda plays it off as though nothing had happened.  After a beat, Sally continues.)

Sally:  The colors are a bit strange though.  Did it come this way? 

Rhonda:  Yes it did.

Sally:  Red walls? 

Rhonda:  The color of blood.

Sally:  Black Floors? 

Rhonda:  The color of death. 

Sally:  Well (pauses and turns – as she turns Rhonda snaps back) that’s an awfully dark way of phrasing it.

Rhonda:  You know…

Sally:  I do love the curtains, and the furniture is darling.  And this hutch where you have all these knives on display is…interesting.  (Quickly turning)  Rhonda what are you doing?!

Rhonda:  Nothing. 

Sally:  Are you trying to grab my hair?

Rhonda:  No. No, of course not.  Why would I do a thing like that?  What do you think I’m some kind of voodoo priest or something? 

Sally:  What? 

Rhonda:  Never mind.  Sally, I have something to tell you. 

Sally:  Well, I hope so.  You insisted I drive out to the boondocks right away.  I know you’re excited about your new house, but the middle of the week…  I had to drop everything, get Mrs. Waters to watch Ben, leave a note for Jim – he’s not going to be very happy about that - we were supposed to go to the gambling boat tonight. 

Rhonda:  Sally, what I have to say is very, very important. 

Sally:  Well, I’m all ears.

Rhonda:  Good.

(pause, Rhonda eyes up Sally) 

Sally:  Rhonda? 

Rhonda:  What. 

Sally:  Are you going to tell me? 

Rhonda:  Tell you what?

Sally:  Your news.

Rhonda.  What news?

Sally:  You know the important news.  The reason I drove 50 minutes on the interstate. 

Rhonda:  Oh right.  First let me lock the door. 

Sally:  Why are you locking the door?

Rhonda: (cheerfully) No reason.

Sally: Oh.

Rhonda:  Sally, I have a problem with Richard.

Sally: Oh my goodness what’s wrong?  Did he cheat on you? 

Rhonda:  No, of course not.  Richard?  No way. 

Sally:  Is he sick?

Rhonda:  Now you’re getting closer.   

Sally:  Oh no. 

Rhonda:  I’m afraid so. 

Sally:  Is it terminal? 

Rhonda:  Kind of. 

Sally:  Kind of? 

Rhonda:  Right

Sally:  What do you mean, kind of? 

Rhonda:  He’s dead.

Sally:  He’s dead?!

Rhonda:  I’m afraid so. 

Sally:  Oh my God, Rhonda…what do you mean Richard’s dead.  How can you be so calm?  I don’t understand.  Shouldn’t you be sad?  Why are you wearing a sundress? 

(Through Rhonda’s next lines – Rhonda gets up and starts to put her hands on / embrace Sally.  Sally is very loving – in a friend kind of way – until she realizes what Rhonda is talking about – at which time she starts to look very uncomfortable)

Rhonda:  Sally just sit tight and let me explain exactly what’s going on.  You see, Richard’s dead, but he’s not dead dead.  He can still walk and work and talk.  He doesn’t sleep or eat – well, at least not food.  About three months ago he got into a car accident.  It happened that weekend you were in Mexico.  Anyway, he took a pretty bad wound to the stomach and he was dead by the time they got him to the hospital.  After he died, I went through a range of emotions.  Honestly I had no idea what I was going to do.  Then I got to thinking about spending the rest of my life alone and that more than anything made me decide to do it. 

Sally: Do what?

Rhonda:  I’m getting to that. 

Sally:  Oh.  Wait.  No, this isn’t right at all.  You said that Richard died three months ago, but I just saw him two weeks ago at Ben’s birthday party.

Rhonda:  Looks great, doesn’t he?

Sally: (pause) I guess so…

Rhonda:  Sally, remember how in high school I used to read all those books about witchcraft and mythology and monsters, Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, blah, blah, blah, spooky spooky stuff?

Sally:  What does this have to do with Richard? 

Rhonda:  Work with me. 

Sally:  Okay… uhh, monsters, let’ see - you did your science fair project on unexplained monsters of North America.  It was basically a piece of poster board with an artist’s rendition of Bigfoot stapled into the middle.  It was a pretty bad idea for a science fair.

Rhonda:  Exactly.  Well, I didn’t stop being interested in those types of things after high school. 

Sally:  I thought you grew out of those things. 

Rhonda:  When? 

Sally:  When you stopped going up to the Renaissance Faire on the weekends. 

Rhonda:  No.  That was only the beginning.  Sally, I have grown into a strong willed member of the occult community.  Those early experiences at the Renaissance Faire only primed me for what was to come.  Soon I joined a voodoo temple. 

Sally:  A voodoo cult?

Rhonda:  It’s not a cult, Sally.  Look, I know this must be shocking for you.  The truth of the matter is it really isn’t that bad. Essentially, I practice voodoo.  I picked up a little here and there, and then when Richard started making so much money, I stopped working to spend more time with Ben.  I had to fill my time with something right?  Anyway, before you know it I got pretty good.  Learned some pretty advanced stuff.  So I brought my husband back from the dead.  Wouldn’t you? 

Sally: (starting to become very upset) Rhonda you’re really freaking me out.  What the hell do you mean you brought your husband back from the dead?  You can’t bring people back from the dead.

Rhonda:  Sure you can. 

Sally:  No, you can’t.

Rhonda:  Well, I admit it’s a little harder to get them back at first.  I mean, that takes a major sacrifice.  But after they’re up and about, you only need a little spell here and there to keep them surprisingly fresh and active.  You’d be amazed how many people are actually dead. 

Sally:  (becoming more upset) But, why isn’t he grotesque?  Why doesn’t he have yucky guts and flies all over him?  Is your husband a zombie?  Oh my God, are you trying to tell me that your husband is a zombie?

Rhonda:  Sally will you please calm down.

(pause) 

Rhonda:  Thank you.  Here’s the situation – in a nutshell.  I’m a voodoo priestess, my husband died, I sacrificed someone he loved to bring him back from the dead.  To keep him fresh for the next six years, I need to get a tiny piece of someone else he loved, brew up a little potion, and BAMMO, you’ve got yourself one personable zombie. 

Sally:  I still don’t understand why I’m here. 

Rhonda:  You’re the piece. 

Sally:  I’m the piece. 

Rhonda:  Richard always adored you.  He still adores you now. 

Sally: (pause) Are you going to kill me?  Oh my God, please don’t kill me. 

Rhonda: Take it easy, I don’t need your whole head or anything.  I just need a little hair, maybe a fingernail or two. 

Sally:  Rhonda this is very strange. 

Rhonda:  I know. 

Sally:  I mean.  I’ll do anything for you, but you are really freaking me out. 

Rhonda:  I knew that I could count on you to keep this all a secret.  We’ve been close since high school. 

(they smile and touch hands) 

Sally:  Rhonda, is this some kind of joke?

Rhonda:  Nope.

Sally:  But you had to sacrifice someone he loved to bring him back from the dead the first time right. 

Rhonda:  Mmm hmm.

Sally:  But who?

Rhonda:  Mr. Wiggles.

Sally:  The dog?

Rhonda:  Sometimes it doesn’t have to be a person. 

Sally:  But everyone loved Mr. Wiggles.

Rhonda:  That’s the point.